Big Girls Don't Cry

I really couldn't tell you how the evolution came about from me being completely unabashed about being emotional most of my life, to this tough girl I've turned into. Willing myself to not cry in front of people, lest I appear weak and stupid. It seems an odd thing to notice to be sure, but I assure you it's a drastic difference in how I approach public displays of emotion. If I was touched by a picture, or a song, or a movie, I would just let the waterworks flow and could care less who saw me. I remember being on a date to go see The Lion King when I was 16. We'd only gone out a couple of times before that, but I didn't even hesitate to bawl like a baby when Mufasa died.

"Dad! Wake up! Please Dad, we have to go home." Oh man. That still kills me.

I've noticed in the last couple of years that when a movie starts to make me feel like crying, I start to get irritated with it. I will the tears to stay back and start shifting my legs in an attitude of disinterest when let's say, hypothetically, the love of someones life, who was separated from her for a year, but wrote her faithfully every week, ends up dying in a freak accident on his way back to her.
Stupid Nights in Rodanthe.

On Sunday, a young woman sang the song Breath of Heaven for the congregation. She has an amazing voice, and I'm finding the words to be particularly moving. I feel the prickliness of tears and immediately feel horrified that tons of people could see me lose it. I start to rationalize my way through it.
Okay, my eyes are just watering, no one can tell. Ahh, a couple tears leaked out. It's okay, I'll rub my eyes, no one will be the wiser. Before I know it the tears are streaming, my face is doing that twitchy thing right before you totally bawl, and now I have no choice but to bring attention to my weeping self as I have now officially crossed over into the"ugly cry." I seriously was trying to debate which would be less distracting, sitting there in my current state or going out so I could pull myself together.

Afterwards I went up to hug her and thank her for her song and she remarked that she couldn't look at me while she was singing due to my sob fest. Since it was so distracting. Apparently I was fooling no one with that eye rubbing nonsense.

I've decided to consider it progress. I cried, people saw me, everyone lived.

This is a short film called The Nativity, produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that someone set to the song that I loved so much on Sunday. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and know that if you cry, it's totally okay. I'm here for you.